I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
