FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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