I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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