My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I still have a little drunk in my system
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
