im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
