I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
