why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
