trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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