The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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