I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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