Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
