I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
