well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
