I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
