went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
