Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
