Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
