dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
