my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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