Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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