Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
