At least make sure they are 18
Why
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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