I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
they need to just BURY HIM!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
