I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
