true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
