Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
