we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
