Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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