"it" just moved
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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