do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
