Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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