Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I could fuck to npr.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
