census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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