You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
