i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
