is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
