I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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