I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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