i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
