And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
