I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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