i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
