so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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