thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Sober January is a disaster.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
