she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
