HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
