I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
