hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
