Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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