I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
